Reflections from 2014

It's almost surreal that 2014 is coming to an end. As I reflect on the past year, I feel deeply blessed by all that the Lord has done for me, for my family.  We lost a wonderful man, my grandpa Glenn, at the age of 94, and we added two children to our family (Charlie and our nephew Asher). We are blessed to have shared many special memories both Luke's and my families.

The year started out with us finding out we were pregnant in January.  In March, we found out we were going to be welcoming a little girl into our hearts and home. My parents got to share in the special moment with us which is a memory I will always treasure. I had a beautiful baby shower surrounded by many loved ones who came to celebrate our sweet Charlie girl.

I spent the summer very pregnant chasing around my active son in the Arizona heat. Lincoln turned two in September, and we had a special cars and trucks theme party to celebrate.  I really wanted to do something special for him as he would be transitioning from our precious baby boy into the big brother role.  Three weeks later, our beautiful daughter Charlie Mclean was born.  I had spent much of the year researching and planning to have a VBAC.  The Lord granted my heart's desire as I was able to give birth vaginally and hold my sweet girl in my arms immediately after she took her first breath.  I give him all the praise for allowing me to experience this as it healed me from the emotional scars of my prior C-Section.  Charlie has brought so much love and beauty into our home in just her three short months of life. I have had such a wonderful time dressing up my little girl and envisioning a lifetime of memories we will share together.  It has brought tears to my eyes watching Luke bond with his daughter, and seeing Lincoln develop a sweet love for his "sissy."

My parents were able to come out to Arizona several times during the year, including spending two weeks here when Charlie was born.  We also had many visitors from California throughout the year including Auntie Bonnie, Hannah and Lilly, my cousin Shawna and her family, Shane and Erin, Auntie Beth, Auntie Janaea, Auntie Britt, Taylor, Gramm, and Kerry and Tammy.  Perhaps one of the most special and heartwarming moments of my life was when my dear friend Danielle walked through my door after being "estranged" for nearly 4 years.  Witnessing her life turn from addiction to healing has given me such great joy and thankfulness. In one month from today, I will get to be a bridesmaid in her wedding...

I also met Tara, her husband Chris, and their children Braxden and Kinsley.  I cannot express how grateful I am that God brought her into my life this year.  although I am blessed by many loved ones both in Arizona and California, I had a deep void for a friend that was a stay-at-home mom and has children close to Lincoln's age. We have spent countless hours playing at the parks in the area, and also just learning about each other and having a good time as girlfriends. I can't wait to see where our friendship takes us! 

Another friend, Brittany, that I worked with when i first moved to Arizona and I rekindled our friendship. Her daughter, Bria, and Charlie are only 3 days apart! It's been so fun watching them grow together, and I'm thankful we have been able to share these memories with our girls!

We traveled to California in December to celebrate Luke's completion of the Master of Arts in Christian Apologetics degree at BIOLA University. His parents drove out, my parents, brother-in-law James, Grandma Hansen and Uncle Jim were all there. I cannot explain how excited and proud it has made me to watch the man I love so much develop a knowledge that he can share with others to point them toward Christ. In his eyes, the degree is only a bi-product of the spiritual journey he is on. He is more grateful to have learned how to defend Christianity from a logical viewpoint. He has engaged in many conversations with skeptics, atheists, agnostics, people hurting from tragedy, and friends who are questioning their own beliefs. He is co-leading a Bible study at his work called "Mosaic" where employees come on their own time, off the clock, to engage in discourse about life's most pressing questions.

Our trip to California also included a family Christmas celebration with my brother, Brian, sister and all our kids. It was a great day full of bonding and love. Jessie and Justin added a sweet son, Asher, to their roost. He and Charlie are just 7 weeks apart.

While there is so much to be thankful for, our family is still trusting in the Lord to provide a job for my dad. Their health insurance ends today, so they will be switching to Kaiser through my mom's work. We know that God has my parents' future and health in HIS hands, but it's still hard to feel helpless when we love them so much. What I can say is their faithfulness inspires me and continues to grow my own trust in the Lord. What better a legacy could parents leave for their children. I hope that our children see the same in Luke and I throughout their lives...

With 2014 being such a great year, I don't know how 2015 can stand a chance. But I look forward to all that the new year will bring and continue to watch my blessings grow...

The Birthday of Charlie McLean Hansen

October 1, 2014...one of the best days of my life. That is the day Charlie McLean Hansen was born into our family. 8 lbs 3 oz, and 21 inches of pure beauty was placed right onto my chest, and my heart was stolen all over again.

Three weeks ago, I went into Dr. Bryan's office feeling discouraged that I was still pregnant. I was 40 weeks + 4 days. In the birthing community, you constantly hear (or read) that "your baby will come when it's ready", "a due date is just an estimate", and "most pregnancies go past 40 weeks and many even to 42 weeks." Even though those things are true, it is very difficult to sit and wait past the day you have been dwelling on for months. It is especially true for those of us who had a previous c-section and so desperately hope(d) to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Even though many succesful VBACs occur after 40 weeks, there is some increased risk of complications and a possible RCS (repeat cesarean section) after that point. Some doctors won't even allow their potential VBAC patients to go past 40 or 41 weeks without scheduling a c-section or an induction. Thankfully, Dr. Bryan is extremely supportive of VBACs and was willing to work with me to avoid getting induced as long as Charlie and I were healthy. (Side story, short version: Dr. Bryan came highly recommended by several people and I was very excited he was my Dr. But due to unforeseen circumstances, he ended up changing practices when I was 20 weeks and was not going to be delivering at my hospital. I was devastated and felt afraid that I would not be able to find another doctor I trusted who really supported my VBAC journey. I had some hesitations about the other doctor I was seeing, and at 38 weeks I found out Dr. Bryan had resumed delivering at Del Webb. I knew in my heart that God had given me a way to be at peace with my labor and delivery.)

On September 30, I got my membranes stripped. Originally I didn't want that type of
intervention, but I was feeling the weight of being close to 41 weeks and wanted to avoid a true induction at all costs. Almost immediately I started feeling crampy, and all through the night I was having contractions on and off and couldn't sleep. I even woke Luke up and said 'I really think I'm in early labor!"

The next morning things started progressing and I knew for sure I was in labor. Around 6 am I took a bath to try to relax (and of course shave my legs hehe), and the contractions became more intense. I remember Lincoln coming in and trying to get in with me, and I yelled for Luke to come get him. That's when I knew the countdown was on!

Around 8 am my water broke. I put my makeup on, curled my hair, and texted my closest friends and family for prayers. We had to figure out who would take care of Lincoln while we were at the hospital. Luke's dad got to our house around 10, and his mom came shortly after we left. I got emotional leaving Lincoln knowing we would return as a family of 4 and he would no longer be an only child... We took some pictures then headed to the hospital. But first, we made a McDonald's stop. I was craving a Dr. Pepper and a hash brown, and I knew Luke should eat before heading into the trenches!              

We got to the hospital around 10:30. I was only 2 cm dilated but was having pretty regular (and painful) contractions already since my water had broken.... I got admitted and Luke and I had some fun before the pain got too intense. I painted my nails pink, we danced and listened to music, and took some videos and pictures.

Yvonne was my Labor nurse. I can honestly say she helped me get through the worst pain of my life. I don't know if I could have made it through without her. Everyone in my facebook support groups recommended I get a doula for labor. We just couldn't afford it, but I knew the support would be so beneficial. God sent me Yvonne instead... She's in midwifery school and provided exactly what I needed. She put me in positions to help with the pain, but also to keep Charlie moving down and engaging into my pelvis. She helped Luke understand how he could help me (which he did immensely!) She encouraged me to keep walking even though I was having constant contractions and could hardly get a break. She rubbed aromatherapy lotions on me, and gave me some to smell for nausea and pain management.

Luke was such a great support to me that day. To be honest, I was a little afraid of how he would handle me being in real labor and if he would know what to do to help me. But he was everything an amazing, supportive husband should be. He prayed with me, walked with me, let me fall on him when my pain was so intense that I didn't think I could make it through. He and Yvonne gave me the best birth experience I could ask for.

At some point, probably around 4 or 5 pm, I got into the laboring tub. The pain was almost intolerable and I felt like I never had a break in between contractions. The warm water helped so much. Luke and Yvonne rubbed me and sat with me. Finally, after at least an hour, I asked for an epidural. I asked multiple times if having one would hinder me from being able to have a VBAC and she assured me it wouldn't. Jack, the same anesthesiologist who gave me my epidural with Lincoln, became my best friend all over again. Haha I felt so much better almost immediately and wanted to get a little rest. Dr. Bryan came in to see me and check me. He said "No wonder you were ready for the epidural, you're 100% effaced and 7 cm. I think you'll have her by 9 or 10 pm."

Since that was still hours away, I told Luke he could go get some food at McDonald's. But pretty soon after he left I started feeling a lot of pressure and called him to hurry up and get back...

Literally at 6:50 pm I was 10 cm and ready to push. I didn't feel any pain while I was pushing; I was just trying to concentrate on pushing the "right" way and getting her out. I got to watch in a large mirror. It was like I was in a dream. I got to witness as my daughter was born. She entered this world at 7:15 pm...

Dr. Bryan reminded me at a follow up appointment that he guided my hands down and I helped pull her to my chest. I honestly didn't even remember because I was so elated and had so many endorphins running through me that it's all a blur.

I remember just kissing her over and over, telling her how much I love her. Luke and I prayed over her. The nurses put on an instrumental of "Happy Birthday" and we sang to her. I cannot really describe the emotional healing that took place as soon as she was born. I really had a hard time coming to terms with having a c-section with Lincoln, and missing out on those precious first moments with my son. Getting to experience going into labor on my own and having a vaginal birth, and having her placed right on my chest, healed my deep emotional scars.

Kristi, our night nurse, finished off the labor and delivery side of things and transfered with us to recovery because they were short staffed that night. She was actually one of our nurses with Lincoln, too, and was so wonderful to me. I really adore her and Yvonne. Del Webb Hospital has an amazing staff who truly care for their patients.

The next day Luke brought Lincoln to the hospital to meet his baby sister. "She" gave him a present of cars and trucks. He was interested for a minute, gave her a kiss, then proceeded to play with his new toys. That's exactly how we expected our 2 year old boy to react. :) My parents arrived from CA, and Luke's parents and sister came to the hospital. We all ooh'ed and awe'd over this beautiful little girl that was now a part of our family. We got to go home at 9 pm that night.

Charlie will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. Having her makes Lincoln seems so big, and so much older than he did before. It really makes me pause and try to savor every moment that she is this small... I can never get these moments back.

Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of being Luke's wife and choosing us to be the parents of Lincoln and Charlie. I cannot imagine my life without them and of all the things I've done in my life, being their mommy is the best and most important. I could not be more grateful...

Thoughts On the Article "A Healthy Baby is not ALL That Matters."

This article really resonates with me these days. Many women feel ashamed to talk about their birth experience if things didn't go as they had hoped for. I remember being in labor and knowing a c-section was becoming a greater reality as Lincoln's heart rate was dropping with each contraction. Family, friends, and even the nurses kept telling me that "a healthy baby is all that matters." That made me feel very upset in the midst of what I wanted to be the most special day of my life.

It goes without saying that above all I wanted my child to be ok. But I wanted to matter, too. I wanted to be able to experience the pain (believe it or not) and overwhelming joy of experiencing a vaginal birth. I knew I did not want a c-section, but I never realized just how traumatic having one would be for me.

I was AFRAID to hold my first born 2 hours after he took his first breath because I was shaking so much and was scared I would drop him. I had to re-learn how to walk. I was stuck in the hospital for 5 days. These things definitely matter to a new mommy. The emotional scars this has left on me will stick with me forever. And as crazy as it sounds to people who have not gone through this, I feel like the trauma is growing as I'm pregnant again and want so desperately to not go through what I did before. This time I'm a lot more informed and prepared, so I feel like even if things don't go as I hope, I'll be able to handle it better and know I did everything I could to prevent a c-section.

A healthy baby really is not all that matters, and I hope I don't hear that from countless people as the day approaches. A mom who feels respected, acknowledged, safe, and mentally stable also matters.  This is one of the reasons I am becoming more open and honest about how much Lincoln's birth truly affected me. Most people, including my own husband and parents, didn't realize how much I have gone through mentally and emotionally because of my birth experience until I recently started sharing my innermost thoughts and fears. I love my son more than the world, so yes, he is with every bit of physical and emotional pain that his birth has brought me. But it could have been lessened if I had been more prepared, more knowledgeable, more decisive about what I wanted. And it also could have been less traumatic if more people empathized with me about what I was going through instead of saying that only the baby mattered...

I hope this is encouraging to other moms who have gone through similar emotions about their birth experiences. And I hope that it helps family and friends of expecting moms to be empathetic of their needs and desires. After all, taking care of moms will result in happier, healthier babies in the long run.