The Birthday of Charlie McLean Hansen

October 1, 2014...one of the best days of my life. That is the day Charlie McLean Hansen was born into our family. 8 lbs 3 oz, and 21 inches of pure beauty was placed right onto my chest, and my heart was stolen all over again.

Three weeks ago, I went into Dr. Bryan's office feeling discouraged that I was still pregnant. I was 40 weeks + 4 days. In the birthing community, you constantly hear (or read) that "your baby will come when it's ready", "a due date is just an estimate", and "most pregnancies go past 40 weeks and many even to 42 weeks." Even though those things are true, it is very difficult to sit and wait past the day you have been dwelling on for months. It is especially true for those of us who had a previous c-section and so desperately hope(d) to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Even though many succesful VBACs occur after 40 weeks, there is some increased risk of complications and a possible RCS (repeat cesarean section) after that point. Some doctors won't even allow their potential VBAC patients to go past 40 or 41 weeks without scheduling a c-section or an induction. Thankfully, Dr. Bryan is extremely supportive of VBACs and was willing to work with me to avoid getting induced as long as Charlie and I were healthy. (Side story, short version: Dr. Bryan came highly recommended by several people and I was very excited he was my Dr. But due to unforeseen circumstances, he ended up changing practices when I was 20 weeks and was not going to be delivering at my hospital. I was devastated and felt afraid that I would not be able to find another doctor I trusted who really supported my VBAC journey. I had some hesitations about the other doctor I was seeing, and at 38 weeks I found out Dr. Bryan had resumed delivering at Del Webb. I knew in my heart that God had given me a way to be at peace with my labor and delivery.)

On September 30, I got my membranes stripped. Originally I didn't want that type of
intervention, but I was feeling the weight of being close to 41 weeks and wanted to avoid a true induction at all costs. Almost immediately I started feeling crampy, and all through the night I was having contractions on and off and couldn't sleep. I even woke Luke up and said 'I really think I'm in early labor!"

The next morning things started progressing and I knew for sure I was in labor. Around 6 am I took a bath to try to relax (and of course shave my legs hehe), and the contractions became more intense. I remember Lincoln coming in and trying to get in with me, and I yelled for Luke to come get him. That's when I knew the countdown was on!

Around 8 am my water broke. I put my makeup on, curled my hair, and texted my closest friends and family for prayers. We had to figure out who would take care of Lincoln while we were at the hospital. Luke's dad got to our house around 10, and his mom came shortly after we left. I got emotional leaving Lincoln knowing we would return as a family of 4 and he would no longer be an only child... We took some pictures then headed to the hospital. But first, we made a McDonald's stop. I was craving a Dr. Pepper and a hash brown, and I knew Luke should eat before heading into the trenches!              

We got to the hospital around 10:30. I was only 2 cm dilated but was having pretty regular (and painful) contractions already since my water had broken.... I got admitted and Luke and I had some fun before the pain got too intense. I painted my nails pink, we danced and listened to music, and took some videos and pictures.

Yvonne was my Labor nurse. I can honestly say she helped me get through the worst pain of my life. I don't know if I could have made it through without her. Everyone in my facebook support groups recommended I get a doula for labor. We just couldn't afford it, but I knew the support would be so beneficial. God sent me Yvonne instead... She's in midwifery school and provided exactly what I needed. She put me in positions to help with the pain, but also to keep Charlie moving down and engaging into my pelvis. She helped Luke understand how he could help me (which he did immensely!) She encouraged me to keep walking even though I was having constant contractions and could hardly get a break. She rubbed aromatherapy lotions on me, and gave me some to smell for nausea and pain management.

Luke was such a great support to me that day. To be honest, I was a little afraid of how he would handle me being in real labor and if he would know what to do to help me. But he was everything an amazing, supportive husband should be. He prayed with me, walked with me, let me fall on him when my pain was so intense that I didn't think I could make it through. He and Yvonne gave me the best birth experience I could ask for.

At some point, probably around 4 or 5 pm, I got into the laboring tub. The pain was almost intolerable and I felt like I never had a break in between contractions. The warm water helped so much. Luke and Yvonne rubbed me and sat with me. Finally, after at least an hour, I asked for an epidural. I asked multiple times if having one would hinder me from being able to have a VBAC and she assured me it wouldn't. Jack, the same anesthesiologist who gave me my epidural with Lincoln, became my best friend all over again. Haha I felt so much better almost immediately and wanted to get a little rest. Dr. Bryan came in to see me and check me. He said "No wonder you were ready for the epidural, you're 100% effaced and 7 cm. I think you'll have her by 9 or 10 pm."

Since that was still hours away, I told Luke he could go get some food at McDonald's. But pretty soon after he left I started feeling a lot of pressure and called him to hurry up and get back...

Literally at 6:50 pm I was 10 cm and ready to push. I didn't feel any pain while I was pushing; I was just trying to concentrate on pushing the "right" way and getting her out. I got to watch in a large mirror. It was like I was in a dream. I got to witness as my daughter was born. She entered this world at 7:15 pm...

Dr. Bryan reminded me at a follow up appointment that he guided my hands down and I helped pull her to my chest. I honestly didn't even remember because I was so elated and had so many endorphins running through me that it's all a blur.

I remember just kissing her over and over, telling her how much I love her. Luke and I prayed over her. The nurses put on an instrumental of "Happy Birthday" and we sang to her. I cannot really describe the emotional healing that took place as soon as she was born. I really had a hard time coming to terms with having a c-section with Lincoln, and missing out on those precious first moments with my son. Getting to experience going into labor on my own and having a vaginal birth, and having her placed right on my chest, healed my deep emotional scars.

Kristi, our night nurse, finished off the labor and delivery side of things and transfered with us to recovery because they were short staffed that night. She was actually one of our nurses with Lincoln, too, and was so wonderful to me. I really adore her and Yvonne. Del Webb Hospital has an amazing staff who truly care for their patients.

The next day Luke brought Lincoln to the hospital to meet his baby sister. "She" gave him a present of cars and trucks. He was interested for a minute, gave her a kiss, then proceeded to play with his new toys. That's exactly how we expected our 2 year old boy to react. :) My parents arrived from CA, and Luke's parents and sister came to the hospital. We all ooh'ed and awe'd over this beautiful little girl that was now a part of our family. We got to go home at 9 pm that night.

Charlie will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. Having her makes Lincoln seems so big, and so much older than he did before. It really makes me pause and try to savor every moment that she is this small... I can never get these moments back.

Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of being Luke's wife and choosing us to be the parents of Lincoln and Charlie. I cannot imagine my life without them and of all the things I've done in my life, being their mommy is the best and most important. I could not be more grateful...

Thoughts On the Article "A Healthy Baby is not ALL That Matters."

This article really resonates with me these days. Many women feel ashamed to talk about their birth experience if things didn't go as they had hoped for. I remember being in labor and knowing a c-section was becoming a greater reality as Lincoln's heart rate was dropping with each contraction. Family, friends, and even the nurses kept telling me that "a healthy baby is all that matters." That made me feel very upset in the midst of what I wanted to be the most special day of my life.

It goes without saying that above all I wanted my child to be ok. But I wanted to matter, too. I wanted to be able to experience the pain (believe it or not) and overwhelming joy of experiencing a vaginal birth. I knew I did not want a c-section, but I never realized just how traumatic having one would be for me.

I was AFRAID to hold my first born 2 hours after he took his first breath because I was shaking so much and was scared I would drop him. I had to re-learn how to walk. I was stuck in the hospital for 5 days. These things definitely matter to a new mommy. The emotional scars this has left on me will stick with me forever. And as crazy as it sounds to people who have not gone through this, I feel like the trauma is growing as I'm pregnant again and want so desperately to not go through what I did before. This time I'm a lot more informed and prepared, so I feel like even if things don't go as I hope, I'll be able to handle it better and know I did everything I could to prevent a c-section.

A healthy baby really is not all that matters, and I hope I don't hear that from countless people as the day approaches. A mom who feels respected, acknowledged, safe, and mentally stable also matters.  This is one of the reasons I am becoming more open and honest about how much Lincoln's birth truly affected me. Most people, including my own husband and parents, didn't realize how much I have gone through mentally and emotionally because of my birth experience until I recently started sharing my innermost thoughts and fears. I love my son more than the world, so yes, he is with every bit of physical and emotional pain that his birth has brought me. But it could have been lessened if I had been more prepared, more knowledgeable, more decisive about what I wanted. And it also could have been less traumatic if more people empathized with me about what I was going through instead of saying that only the baby mattered...

I hope this is encouraging to other moms who have gone through similar emotions about their birth experiences. And I hope that it helps family and friends of expecting moms to be empathetic of their needs and desires. After all, taking care of moms will result in happier, healthier babies in the long run.

The War Continues, But a Battle is Won!

Let's face it. We all have friends who can eat whatever they want and seem to get thinner with each bite. I am definitely not one of them...

I have struggled with my weight going up and down since I was a little girl. I remember coming home and crying at the age of 7 because I was much bigger than the other girls in the neighborhood.

In high school, all of my friends were skinny and I felt like the token big girl. They'd say... "if you aren't happy with your weight, do something about it."  As a high schooler I didn't even know where to begin... I was a cheerleader, so I was exercising 5 (sometimes 6) days a week. It's not like you can get a gym membership when you are a full time high school student and are involved in extracurricular activities before and after school every day.

Then I went to college. The summer going into my junior year, I joined Jenny Craig with my parents and lost nearly 40 pounds. I had never felt better about myself. I was confident not only in who I was on the inside, but also what I looked like on the outside... That was pretty much a first in my life.

Over the next several years, my weight went up and down a few pounds but nothing drastic. I still felt pretty good.  When I met Luke (my husband), he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world!

As our wedding date drew nearer, I started Jenny Craig again and lost about 15 pounds. I wasn't as "small" as I wanted to be on my wedding day, but I was the happiest girl in the world and it really didn't matter to me.

In January 2012, two years after our wedding, I found out I was pregnant! I had already gained almost 20 pounds since our wedding.  I don't even know how it happened. It was like the "freshman 15" of being married. After the excitement and anxiety set in a little, I started to think about how I would inevitably gain a substantial amount of weight over the next 9 months.  I did really well through my first trimester.  I only gained 6 pounds until I was 20 weeks...I thought for sure I wouldn't gain more than 25 pounds, which was my goal.  Then I started craving Dr. Pepper, Lucky Charms, and Ice cream on the daily.... Let me tell you, that does not equal a solution for healthy weight gain during pregnancy.  It was like those cravings consumed me, and I ignored the number that went up at every appointment.

I ended up gaining 40 pounds. When the scale went over 200, it's like I couldn't even think about it anymore because I knew how hard it would be for me to lose the extra weight once my bundle of joy was here. And was I ever right...

To make things more challenging, I had to have an emergency c-section. So as I've found out, it's even more difficult to lose belly fat when you've had major surgery that cuts through 7 layers of muscle and tissue right through your abdomen. This makes things extremely difficult for a new mommy who has been fighting the battle of the bulge since...birth.

Nearly three months ago, I finally decided that I had to do something about the extra weight. More so, I realized I had to change my lifestyle for good. And I knew that because I was truly doing this for my health, to live longer for my son, and to feel more attractive for my husband, I knew I was really going to be successful. Nobody can make you change your diet and exercise habits. You have to be fully committed and truly want to do it.  The driving factor for me is that I want to have more kids, but if I'm not even at the weight I want to be to begin with, it will only be more difficult to lose the weight the second time.

So... with the amazing support and participation of my husband, we changed our eating habits. Then I cut out soda. I purchased the Zumba Exhilaration system, and started doing it 5 days a week. I started taking 2 mile walks, pushing my baby in the stroller, with a girlfriend and her baby.

I'm SO excited to say that today is the day I have finally hit my pre-pregnancy weight.  My first goal was to have lost the weight by Lincoln's first birthday. I reached that goal with 15 days to spare!!! So in 3 months, I've lost 24 pounds (40 since Lincoln was born). I've done it the healthy way, with diet and exercise (and even many cheat days where I allowed myself to have my favorite foods!)

The war is not over. My true "goal weight" is still 36 pounds away.  I don't know if I'll make it that far, but I'm one step closer with every pound I lose. My clothes still don't fit the way they used to, and even though I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight, the pounds shifted around. But I've won a huge battle. I got to my first goal weight, and I'm so proud of myself because when I started this journey, it felt extremely overwhelming. Now I know that I don't have to spend hundreds of dollars a month to lose the weight. I just have to keep focused and do what's truly best for my body.

 I encourage all moms, or anyone out there, who is fighting this same war to remember that it is possible to win... it may take months, years, or a lifetime for some of us. But every war has battles...and the first battle you'll win is the first step you take.

Untouched.

My heart has been longing to write. I have missed being able to express myself in written form.  There is something very healing about putting your thoughts into actual text.

I have had so many thoughts going through my mind day after day, and I need to share them... even if noone else sees them. 

My life is a beautiful journey. There are good days,  and bad ones... but each is a gift from God. He has blessed me beyond what I can fathom.  He has given me a desire to write and I'm praying that my words are pleasing to Him.

This is my sanctuary of words, thoughts, emotions. This is where I will share my inner layer.

This is me... untouched.  Welcome to The Raw Heart.